Before you is Sir Mix-A-Lot. He is a dark-skinned knight wearing full, golden plate mail. The helmet lid is lifted.
He smiles and says "Making soft drinks is not for the faint of heart, nor the dirty of finger. It is a solemn enterprise not to be entered into lightly, as with marriage or buying used farm machinery.
With any food-prep, failure to observe basic hygienic principles, follow directions, and exercise common sense can have grave consequences. OpenCola assumes no liability for any problems that arise out of the use of this document. Proceed at your own risk. No one's putting a gun to your head, so don't bother if you can't boil water.
Improper use of cola might result in blunt trauma, puncture wounds, physical illness, mental illness, caffeine dependency, dental necrosis, acid reflux, death, devastation, and random tax audits. Or it might not.
A list of warnings has been provided below. We did not include them for our health - we included them for yours.
Read them. Know them. Follow them. Tattoo them to your backside.
Just in case you have any doubt: following the directions below may be hazardous to your health and property. You assume any and all risk arising from the manufacture and consumption of cola.
''An important note:'' this is not the recipe for 'OpenCola' - that is, the canned beverage from OpenCola that you may have received at a trade show, or other venue or outlet. Making canned cola requires millions of dollars in abstruse gear and manufacturing gizmos. It's easier to make nerve gas than manufacture cola. This is a kitchensink recipe that you can make all on your own. It is our kitchen-sink recipe. We figured it out somewhere between coding the COLA SDK and debugging the Linux build of the clerver.
Anyway, we've tried to be nice about the disclaimer. If it's not good enough for you, here's what our lawyers have to say about the whole shootin' match.
By copying and/or distributing the Program, you hereby agree to the following:
''Indemnity:'' You shall indemnify, defend, and hold harmless OpenCola, its affiliates, directors, officers, and employees from and against any third-party claim, demand, cause of action, debt, liability, cost or expense (including, but not limited to, reasonable attorneys' fees) arising out of your use of the Recipe, or any derivative thereof, including, but not limited to, any claims arising from your distribution of soft drink based on the Recipe or any derivatives thereof.
''International:'' OpenCola makes no representation that the Recipe, or any soft drink based on the Recipe or any derivatives thereof, may be appropriate for use in locations outside of the United States or Canada, and accessing them from any location where their use is illegal is prohibited. If you choose to access this Recipe from any location outside of the United States or Canada, you do so at your own risk, and are responsible for compliance with all local laws.
''Make sure the ingredients are food grade and able to be used internally.''"
[[Tell me more!]]A lawyer startles you from behind. She is medium sized and looks stern wearing a purple pant-suit.
She shouts "Oils can cause skin irritation. Wear latex food-prep or surgical gloves. If oils come in contact with skin, wash with soap and water.
I purchased all oils from health food stores and the herbalist store, Thuna's (see notes on gum arabic).
Everything could have come from the herbalist's. Try for 100 percent pure, undiluted oils
It is very important that you get only food-grade Gum Arabic. There is also an art-grade, which is readily available at art supply stores – never use art-grade Gum Arabic! Art-grade Gum Arabic is toxic. It will make you ill.
It's best not to store caffeine in any amount. Caffeine can kill people in relatively small doses. The median lethal dose for an adult human is around 10 grams, or approximately one third of an ounce. You can find out more by reading the Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS) for caffeine at http://www.jtbaker.com/msds/c0165.htm. Don't yeild to the temptation to create a 'Super-Jolt' , adding tons and tons of the white stuff to your cola, our you'll be in a world of hurt. If stored, store in a secure area away from children. Toxic by inhalation and ingestion: If inhaled, remove to fresh air, If ingested, call a physician. Possible teratogen and mutagen. If product comes in contact with the eyes, flush with plenty of water. There is some great information on caffeine and it's over-consumption at http://www.thecaffeinepage.com. Caffeine is completely optional. I used part of a caffeine pill (MVP, www.mvpnutrition.com), ground up in a pestle with a mortar. According to information on the pill bottle and on the Web site, the pills are 100% caffeine. As an extra safety precaution, I strained all of the syrup through a 4-ply of cheesecloth, in case any of the caffeine wasn't dissolved.
Due to its acidity, phosphoric acid product is corrosive to the eyes and skin. Handle with gloved hands, and use extreme caution. If comes in contact with the eyes or skin, immediately flush with plenty of water for at least 15 minutes. Get medical attention. Rinse any spills on clothing or other surfaces thoroughly. Store in a secure area. Do not store more than 50.0 ml."
[[That's fine! Can we get to the drink making already?]]Sir Mix-A-Lot smiles and says "Come! Let's go to where the ingredients room is. I can't enter it, but I can escort you to it. This is so the Soda Gnomes don't get you."
Sir Mix-A-Lot walks you down a long corridor and stops before a solid wooden door.
"This is where we part ways. Enjoy reading the ancient documents. Be safe!"
[[Open the wooden door]]Beyond the wooden door is a small room with grey stone walls and grey stone ceiling. The floor is made of marble. On a table along the walls to the left and to the right are parchments. Across the room is a plaque attached to it.
[[Read the plaque]]
[[Read the parchment on the left table]]
[[Read the parchment on the right table]]The black plaque with golden text has a main title of "Mixing Instructions" and has three subtitles.
The first one, titled "7X Flavoring", reads:
"Mix all oils together in a blender. Add gum arabic. Mix again. Add water and mix for 4-5 minutes. Transfer to a safe container. Store in the fridge and sealed tightly!".
The second section, titled "Syrup of Open Cola", reads:
"In a 5 l container, take 5 ml of the 7x Flavoring. Add either the phosphoric acid (please know what you're doing if so) or add the citric acid. Add the water and sugar. Mix. While mixing, if caffeine is desired, add it. Once all chemicals are completely dissolved, add caramel color. Mix thoroughly again."
Finally, the last section, titled "Elixir of OpenCola", reads:
"In a container, add one part syrup to 5 parts carbonated water."
(if:visits is 1)[After reading the plaque, you hear an echoing, shrill voice say "You're hard pressed to find ''all'' the ingredients! We Soda Gnomes will rule forever!"]
[[Read the parchment on the left table]]
[[Read the parchment on the right table]] You pick up the weathered parchment. The title of it says "7x Top Seekrut Flavoring Formula"
The text reads:
"3.50 ml orange oil
1.00 ml lemon oil
1.00 ml nutmeg oil
1.25 ml cassia oil
0.25 ml coriander oil
0.25 ml neroli oil
2.75 ml lime oil
0.25 ml lavender oil
10.0 g food grade gum arabic
3.00 ml water"
[[Read the plaque]]You pick up the yellowed parchment. The title of it says "Open Cola Syrup Formula".
The text reads:
"9.68 ml 7X formula
17.25 ml 75% phosphoric acid or citric acid
2.28 l water
2.36 kg plain granulated white table sugar
2.46 ml caffeine (optional)
30.0 ml caramel color"
[[Read the plaque]]